Dear Peg Mokrass #3

Dear Peg,

I’m a single woman of thirty. I recently adopted a rescued Greyhound named Slim. My mother keeps insisting that Slim has an eating disorder. For reassurance, I bought a self-help book called Your Greyhound Is Not Purging.

Strangely, my mother is gaining weight at an alarming pace. Dad recently ordered her some “Door-Jamb Glide”. When we try to talk to mom about her eating habits, she says she can’t stop thinking about knitting Slim a darling winter sweater to insulate from the cold.

“Will Slim look good in burnt orange?” she asks.

Dad thinks mom is jealous of Slim, or wishes I would get married and have babies.  Mom says she is simply eating for a litter of anorexic track dogs.

Signed,
Mother Of Slim

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Dear Mother of Slim,

Your mother is passively-aggressively trying to turn you into herself, a “Breeder” (which, dude, you are clearly NAWT!)

This type of mother is called a “Moo”. From now on, Mother’s Day no longer exists. Don’t get her a card. Bring her hay. There are subtle ways to get the point across;)

She is using her parenthood status to guilt you into hunting human sperm—> (u get the idea) preferably bunched/knotted/compressed in a monkey suit and all frenzied and ready to spewt.

Your moo wants you to be homogenized and milked and possibly aged extra-sharp (aged@breastmilk.tinyurl)

Your dad (technically the “Duh” (duh@moo = tweetdick) wants you to do anything to shut her up.

Moos share these dangerous psychological traits:

1. They envy skinny dogs — especially greyhounds, whippets, and breeds with naturally blond and curly hair. 2dogz — 1bitch = @h!!!!
2. They overfeed and coddle their children’s animals to practice for the real thing.
3. They want nothing more than for their daughter’s tits to sag like their own tits do. Moos with enhancement surgery = less vicious (nawt@nippleher.net)

Moos are easily spotted by uddering the following statements:

1. “Dogs like that should be Abercrombie and Fitch models”.

2. “Orb-shaped breasts are overrated.”

3. “The bible is finally out on kindle.”

Chortles,

Peg Mokrass,

Behavioral Consultant/Astrophysicist

P.S. If you have further concerns, contact me at 1–900-MOO-FIXT ($4 per min. adultz only/voice-modulation svs.)

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Meg Pokrass is the Editor-at-Small for BLIP